So what is harder? Having four kids? Or having two kids and two kids that aren’t yours?
I cannot answer this question because I do not have four kids of my own, but I would imagine the latter is much more difficult.
When you marry into a family with children whom you did not raise, with that comes children whom have a solid foundation from someone else, who may or may not agree with your views in upbringing. It is something I honestly never thought about when I was dating after I got divorced. Ever.
When you merge families and children together, with it comes a whole lot of additional challenges that may not have been expected while dating the man of your dreams.
And also, he may or may not have expected to inherit children who may be now his biggest nightmare.
Dating post divorce with children, does not come with a manual. I for one never thought about blending families. I never thought for one second what it would be like to blend our children’s upbringing’s together. I was selfish as most men and women are, about finding love again.
I spent many years in a disgusting horrible marriage and I was most excited about finding a mutual relationship of love and respect with a man regardless of children. I have no idea why I never considered the challenges of bringing our children together, ever, but I didn’t.
This blog post has absolutely nothing to do with any distain of whom are now my stepchildren. It is only to bring to light something you might not have thought about, which is blending families together with children and the challenges that lie ahead.
We as parents think that we are raising our children the absolute right way, in every way. Since they were babies- our own children, our blood, we have held close and have protected them since birth and educated them and helped mold them to be the best people they possibly can be at their young ages. We protect them with our life. We have used skills that we may have learned from our own parents, to raise them in a way which we may feel is even righteous.
Well guess what? So did your significant other. And guess what else? You may be wrong.
I have learned so much about myself and my children through my marriage and dating my husband with children. I learned that I am not always right. And I learned that my parenting skills are also, not always right. When I was dating my husband all I could care about was him. I knew that our love for one another would somehow magically envelop our kids with magic perfect love dust, and everyone would live happily ever after.
I was so wrong.
Yesterday, I was so angry I wanted to take all of the pictures of our family, including two buffet lamps, and swipe them off of a table and hurl them into a 10 foot mirror, in kid frustration and anger.
I am now at a place where I am learning to balance all four personalities. Not only the differences between our upbringings, but also the differences of the ages of five, eight, nine, and 11. It is unbelievably hard. In the beginning of our relationship it took its toll for sure. My husband and I used to fight to a point where we almost ended our relationship multiple times because of our children.
We made it through.
We have our obvious differences still, regarding parenting, but we have to be patient with one another and try to understand where one another is coming from. I have actually learned a lot from my husband as far as patience and kindness is concerned. He has learned from me about discipline and respect. We are different but we help each other and complement each other in various ways. We talk one another off the ledge, when things seem out of control.
I didn’t crash all of my shit into a mirror so that is progress. And when my husband felt that none of the kids listen to him, everybody stopped what they were doing to help out around the house on my demand.
The point of my blog post is for those parents who are dating others with children, to prepare yourselves. But be patient. Be kind. Remember that all of these children, no matter what cloths they were sewen from, are all children. Beautiful, sweet, young children. Looking for love and acceptance.
What these children have in common is that these kids have all been through a traumatic episode, which is Divorce. It’s confusing and very painful, so just love them no matter whether or not you agree in watching a rated R movie, covering your dinner in ranch dressing, or whatever you feel should be bedtime.
It is up to you to give them the best life ever under these circumstances, so try to make it a little less traumatic, and just let some shit go.