I can’t say that I have been in a writing slump. I can however say that I have been in a heavy depression. Depression is not something that I’m used to. I’ve lived most of my life with major anxiety which has its pros and cons. The pros of having anxiety is you are super productive sometimes because you can’t sit still. You clean like crazy, you work like crazy, you strive to be the best. You’re never satisfied. The cons of anxiety is you can’t turn it off and you sleep terrible and use coping mechanisms such as food and alcohol to bring you down.
The biggest con of depression is I don’t want to do anything. Literally I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to blog, I don’t want to clean, I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to pick up laundry detergent, I don’t want to put a bra on, I don’t want to do anything. Nothing. I’m fucking serious. I don’t want to do anything. I do it because I have to. I do it because I’m married. I do it because I am a Mom. I do it because I have a husband who I adore. I think sometimes I would be satisfied with a minimum wage job and little responsibility.
I’m on a mix of medications that honestly I would prefer over my anxiety. My anxiety was starting to literally destroy my life and make me physically ill. I was grinding my teeth like crazy, getting massive headaches, shaking all the time, worrying so hard it would break down my immune system and I was getting sick easily, the worrying uncontrollably was the worst. Anxiety is the fucking worst. So I traded in anxiety for depression.
One day I’ll write my book when I can peel myself off the ground and actually fucking complete it. I am in a terrible headspace due to the overwhelming responsibilities of supporting my household financially. It’s not something honestly that I wished for. It’s not something that I can do anything about. My amazing sales skills has brought me to a six-figure lifestyle and my job, I could lose any day. Actually I’m fairly sure I’m going to get fired soon.
I wish to God I had gone to college. I wish to God I had a skill other than sales. I wish I could fall back on some type of profession other than selling myself to make my next paycheck. It absolutely sucks. I encourage you to encourage your children to learn something. Please. I don’t know how to do shit other than sell. And with that comes an immense amount of pressure, forever. This is my forever.
I am again looking for my next home. When I say home I mean where I will hang my hat, take my sales skills and continue to survive and support my family. When you are in sales it’s almost like you are in a waiting room. You are making a paycheck until the next better opportunity crosses your path. You are in a waiting room, until you find your next bump up.
I work from home and have for many years. There are pros and cons also to this lifestyle. So many people wish they could wake up a roll out of bed and be in their office without having to report to someone, take a legitimate lunch break, or even a shower get dressed and drive somewhere in rush-hour. There are certain things I am thankful for and there are certain things about this that sucks. What sucks the most is the loneliness. The second thing that sucks is when it comes 5 o’clock it is hard to check out and check in to your home life. The stresses of your daily work life, roll into your night. Your home is your work, and your work is your home and it seems like one big giant ball of fuck me man. I’m starting to be a giant drag.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to lean on where I can take a break, and let someone hold the reins for a while. That will never happen. I have to constantly motivate myself in my mind to keep fucking fighting. I have my moments where I don’t want to fight anymore… but I have two beautiful children who rely on me and a husband who is in love with me, so I have to take each day, one step at a time. My husband is the love of my entire life and the most beautiful person I have ever known. I have never felt love like this before, or so safe and understood. It is just unfortunate that he cannot support us financially, so I have to take control and sometimes it is draining. I have a newfound respect for men who support their family and the pressure they are under it all the time. I guess that’s me and I guess that is my future.
My life looks pretty amazing on Facebook. So does everyone else’s’. It’s so fucking fake. But sometimes it is also really real. Sometimes I look back at my pictures and I think to myself how incredibly lucky I am to live the life I am living. I look at my beautiful husband and my children and think to myself that there are some people who wish that they had the life that I do. I have to remind myself of these things when I’m ready to throw in the towel.
So my husband is gone tonight, on the road as a truck driver and my kids are at their Dads. It’s just me, my thoughts, and my two stupid animals. So for those who follow my blog, just know that you’re not alone when you have your moments of looking around and feeling completely overwhelmed. That’s where I am tonight. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe it will be better. I am always hopeful that it will be.