Sometimes I need to be in a certain place in my mind to blog. Sometimes I have a lot to say but no time or energy to say it. And then there are some times like tonight, where I am completely alone and actually feel the urge to write.
I’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress lately with my job. I’m afraid I’m going to lose it. It’s a real possibility and completely terrifying being the head of my household. I’m trying to trust that everything happens for reason and whatever is meant for me next, at this stage of my life, will happen for me. It’s fairly complicated but understandable. We’ll see what the next six months hold, as I was guaranteed this position for a year.
My husband and I both ate so much we were super full and wanted to walk around Costco for an hour to burn off breakfast. Instead we went to the vapor store because me quitting smoking has been really important to my husband. Lately I have been having trouble breathing and I’m not sure if it’s early signs of COPD or just general anxiety. But it’s enough to make me scared. I’ve been having a hard time taking a full deep forfilling breath and start to panic. Breathing exercises have been helping me through it. I personally really think it’s panic attacks… but there’s no doubt in this world I need to quit smoking. I have been smoking Newports since middle school.
Micah bought for me two new paper flavors which now makes 7000 vapor flavors that I have.
I had a terrible night’s sleep last night because I let my husband have the big bed, and I slept in Addison’s room. Her bed is the absolute worst- so I probably got a total of three hours of sleep and was in a pretty shitty mood today. When my husband woke up he felt really bad for me, but when he has been on the road for several days I want to make sure that I give him the big bed and let him snore his brains out and rest as much as he can.
So my husband and I both bought bicycles today. I absolutely loathe exercise with the exception of yoga. I have been smoking for over 20 years so any major cardio will kill me. Because the weather has been so beautiful I have just felt some type of need and want to purchase a bicycle. I got a pretty beautiful Schwinn mountain bike. My husband got one too. And then he had to leave for work.
Being married to a truck driver is starting to suck really bad. I enjoy my solitude but I also enjoy being near my husband, who is my best friend and soulmate. We were both getting really upset when 4 o’clock started nearing, because we knew he had to leave and drive to New Mexico. It was similar to that anxiety you get on a Sunday night right before bed.
I spent last night alone as he did not get home until almost 1 o’clock in the morning. And now tonight. I don’t have my children, so the solitude and both of my animals sleeping is starting to freak me out.
So I got on my bike.
I shit you not, I have not ridden a bike in 20 years. I even went as far as putting my dog on a leash as I know he loves walks more than anything, and see if he would like to jog beside me.
He did and we were out for an hour and a half.
Fitz did great! We even stopped at the dog park and let him run around with his friends for a while. And then we rode home. He is out for the count, and I’m feeling a little better inside. I definitely believe as much as I hate it, that exercise does something to you or produces some type of hormone that makes you feel better.
It was pretty fun!
So I’m in a better headspace and getting ready to face the night alone. Instead of looking around and feeling sorry for myself, I’m now looking around and feeling pretty blessed. Everything in this big ass house and majority of its contents, I earned on my own. No handouts, no help, just hard fucking work. I’m feeling a sense of confidence and accomplishment at this moment. You may not know this, but that is a rare feeling for me.
I may even ride my bike again tomorrow.
So here’s to my night in comfy pajamas, watching crime TV, with my animals, in a house though a little empty at the moment, is filled with love.