I haven’t been here in a while. It is mostly due to my gripping and sometimes crippling anxiety. With my husband on the road so often, I most certainly feel like a single-parent, on top of my overwhelming job and responsibilities of maintaining our household. I feel like I have little or no time to myself, and when I do, my mind starts racing and I have a hard time relaxing or sitting still. My anxiety leaves me in a state of fear almost constantly. Fear of losing my job and fear of losing everything we own.
I know I’m great at what I do. I know I’m well respected in the community in which I work. I know on paper I look like a rockstar, but I don’t feel that way inside. People that suffer from anxiety are great in sales because they’re never satisfied with themselves and they keep digging, striving, clawing… day in and day out, every single day. I work primarily from home, but do I fuck around all day? Absolutely not. When I’m not traveling, I work myself so hard on the computer that my hands throb and swell from carpel tunnel, my neck stiffens, and my shoulders ache.
I grind my teeth. I have a wrinkle on the right side of my chin where I literally grasp my jaw with my right hand while I’m sleeping. I grasp my skin together in such a way that there is now a permanent and heavy line there. I’ve been waking up at 2 o’clock in the morning for no reason and not able to go back to sleep. It is wrecking me during the day.
I know I need to work out. I know I need yoga. I’m in a headspace to where I feel like I have no time. I paid $100 for my first months membership and went one time. Paid another hundred dollars and have yet to go this month.
Wanting to relieve my stress, was to take my tax return and use 75% of it to pay off retail debt and get ahead on all my bills. That actually helped. I paid off my Old Navy, Target, JCPenney, some ghetto credit card I had, and closed them all. A few hundred dollars on the remaining three. I have about $3000 left of credit card debt. With some hard work I can have it done by the end of the year.
I’m still trying to coparent with a man who pays for nothing regarding the children. No special clothes, accessories, shoes, toys, activities, school activities, nothing. He sends my children back in the clothes and shoes I sent them in. God forbid he ever sent them over in a new pair of sneakers. He doesn’t pay money in Aiden’s lunch account, he doesn’t pack special lunches, he’s not the one who brings cupcakes, cookies, fruit or anything for their school parties. It absolutely sucks. He and I are supposed to share 50% of medical expenses, yet when I get the bill I pay it myself because I don’t want to confrontation of having to ask for it.
He still flirts with me. Big time.
Anytime he sees me at a school function or parent conferences, he references my blowjobs. This has gone on for years. I don’t think that he misses them as much as he likes getting under my skin and making me uncomfortable. He is such a disgusting person. He makes innuendos about sex all the time.
Sorry buddy. You lose.
I absolutely love my husband with my entire being. I don’t love however, his absence. He’s aware of this and feels terrible about it. Unfortunately for the past 13 years being a truck driver, it is the only career he has ever known and is now qualified for. It is what it is. He makes pretty good money however most of it goes to his obligations to his ex-wife and children. That I understand. In the beginning I was resentful because I didn’t get a lot of financial help… but when I see him working 70 to 80 hour work weeks and giving me everything he can, I almost feel guilty about taking his money. I’m getting by. I’m actually getting by much better than most.
The end of last year right before Christmas, I was struggling big time. I was trying to play catch-up from a previous job as well as some impending financial obligations that were kicking our ass around the holidays. I had friends I haven’t seen in 20 years send me gift cards and presents for my children. I will be forever grateful for those special people who actually took time out of their lives and used their hard earned money to make Christmas for my children, as well as my husbands children, amazing.
Now that I’m being more financially responsible, I feel if I did lose my job tomorrow I would be OK if I found another one and made less money. Even though I probably will be able to hold onto this one for a while, the thought is always present. I work for a very small company and have a very difficult job of building a business out of nothing. Not just building a business but building a region. Not just building a business, building a region, but building a brand. Not just branding, marketing, sales, purchasing, and developing business. It is so fucking hard.
So then after a day of doing the hardest job I’ve ever done, either comes parenting on my nights with the kids, or catching up on shit that needs to be done around the house.
I have a cleaning lady.
This is an expense that no one would understand and I don’t really give a fuck. I have a 2300 square-foot house in Ahwatukee that I rented with my ex-husband, and he and I together had a great combined income. It took me a while to be able to support running this house by myself financially. Cleaning it by myself? Yeah fuck that shit.
So my big present to myself every month, is having someone come in every Tuesday and clean it. When I come home every Tuesday after being on the road all day, it is immaculate. I feel completely wonderful. It takes about 48 hours before it’s turned upside down again. That part really fucking sucks.
I have these two stupid animals that were supposed to fill some type a void in my life that have become a pain in my ass. They’re expensive, yet I have taken great care of them… between vet visits and grooming. I honestly have them for my children. I do not want the added responsibility, but they are part of our family now.
Responsibilities. Finances. Parenting. The only easy part of my life is loving my husband. He is a wonderful, kind, and patient person. He is hot as fuck and selfless. When we are together most of the time it’s like a honeymoon. When we are together with all four of our children that’s another story. Literally that’s another story.
So anyway, this is where I’ve been. I’m about to pour my second glass of wine and chill out until my husband gets home from a 2 1/2 day road trip.
Love and hugs to all of my friends who follow me for various reasons. Keep on pushing!!!! You don’t know how strong you are until you have no choice.