I woke up this morning feeling motivated. I’m on day 2 of no smoking. If you’re a smoker, day 2 is a big deal. Quitting. Again.
I decided to go tanning. A little tan on my big ass always motivates me to start somewhere. I’m ready to lose some weight.
When you look good, you feel good, and it’s always been a little beauty regime of mine.
I called my girlfriend and asked her if she wanted to go with me today. I picked her up and off we went. She is having a successful weight loss journey. Down 50 or 60 pounds… I however, am up about 40 to 50lbs.
Quite the opposite.
I am giving her all of my size 14’s and she is giving me all of her size 20s. It’s a horrible trade, but it’s happening and I’m thankful as she has some beautiful clothes.
I stood in front of the mirror before I laid down in the tanning bed today and took a good look in the full length mirror of my self, naked.
I can’t stand there too long or I’ll cry.
It was enough to turn my excitement into depression and take the wind right out of my sails.
I have laid down in a tanning bed about a million times before. Stand ups, lay downs, ones, twos, threes, fours, and fives. I have been tanning since my early 20s.
Anyway, as I pulled the acrylic down over my body, I felt the top of the bed not shut completely because my giant fat body was so big the capsule would not close.
This was an absolutely horrible feeling.
People my size are not meant for tanning beds. Jesus Christ.
I tried not to obsess for the next 10 minutes over how far I have let myself go, but I did.
When the lights shut off on the bed and it was time to get dressed, I gathered myself together to move to a spray tan booth. As I was getting dressed and walking over about 30 feet to undress myself again, I was out of breath.
I undressed and prepared myself for a Mystic Tan, in which I had a problem holding my breath in the booth. I was inhaling spray tan in my mouth and nose because I have gotten so fat, that I’m breathless.
What was supposed to be a fun beauty session for me today, turned into a very depressing half hour and continued. I dropped my girlfriend off at home and then drove myself to CVS and purchased a cleanse.
It is time that I rid myself of all of this waste and start a clean diet, starting today, all over again. Usually, when I get really serious about dieting I will do some type of colon cleanse or flush. I’ve done them all, from legit colonics to salt water flushes. I just feel cleaner and more responsible for the things I put into my body, after a cleanse.
So I return home and spend the next six hours shitting my brains out. It was a little more intense than I expected and ruined my entire day. I figured because I had gone to the bathroom so much if I jumped on the scale at the moment I wouldn’t be as surprised as I was.
Boy was I wrong.
Besides shitting my brains out all day, I was an absolute horror when I look down at the scale and saw what I weighed. I spent the rest of the day in a funk on the brink of crying and throwing up.
Micah asked me if I was ok about 50 times. I wasn’t OK. I was depressed and felt trapped. I am absolutely beside myself that I have gotten this heavy and I am in this bad of shape. It is going to take forever to get all of this off. I almost wanted to just quit before I started, but my stomach hurt and I wasn’t hungry.
One of my childhood friends reached out to me tonight. It was almost like it was meant to be. A girlfriend of mine, who I actually looked up to in highschool read a post of mine on Facebook about being horrified at the weight that appeared on my scale. With her giant heart and pure vulnerability she sent me a message through my private messenger on Facebook. She disclosed her weight which was surprisingly similar to mine and asked me if I was up for a challenge???!!!
Wow. Touching, exciting, awesome!
I started to cry. Excited and sad and happy all wrapped into one!!!!
Not only was I really excited to have a partner, but it was just a really perfect time. I had the worst most depressing and deflating day ever, and here was she so sweet for reaching out to me, to help her, help me, help her, help me! We both were furiously texting each other about the conditions of our weight-loss challenge, Fitbit buddies, water buddies and are excited and motivated!
Daily check-in’s and biweekly weigh ins… just somebody to hold your hand from 2000 miles away! It’s somebody who can relate to you, you’ve known your whole life, and help you feel not so alone. Someone who feels your struggles, quite literally.