Off the wagon 

So I fell off the wagon on my low-carb gallon water diet. After a week and a 6 pound weight loss, I woke up the next morning and I was right back where I started. I got super pissed and binged all weekend and just said fuck it.

I’ve mentioned before how amazingly lucky I am that I have a husband who is crazy in love with me and I can look at him and give him a bone. I do know though deep down in his heart, he would flip out if I could lose 50 pounds. I would too.

I’ve been very depressed about my weight. I’m in a solid size 18/20 now. Because I work from home I wear fairly comfortable clothes all the time. Sometimes I can’t really see what I’ve done to my body until it’s time to get dressed in normal clothes and go somewhere. It’s emotionally and physically painful. It ruins my excitement entirely. I feel if my face and hair look really good, I can distract myself from the uncomfort I feel wearing jeans. Ok, of wearing PANTS.

The first six months of this year I was amazingly sick. My entire body was shutting down in all types of crazy ways. We still don’t know what happened. I was starting to lose strength in my arms and it was hard for me to lift a cup of coffee to my mouth. I have no idea what ran through me other than extreme anxiety. During that time I was extremely lethargic and in pain all over my body. I gained about 35 pounds.

So though I am not suffering from some of the pains I had before, I am now suffering because I’m 35 pounds fatter and I can tell in many ways. I can tell when I’m shaving, I can tell when I need to hold my breath and I am in for a spray tan, I can tell when I walk upstairs, cross my legs, in my clothes, my bras, I can tell when I get off of the sofa… I can tell when I relax my face and look in the mirror, I can tell in my gigantic boobs, I can tell when I give the cat a bath and my lower back starts burning. I can tell when I’m throwing Tupperware in the cupboard because I don’t want to bend down.

I tried hot yoga again. I almost passed out. I cried the whole way home.

I’m super unhappy. Depressed.

So I slammed a gallon of water again today and watched my carbohydrates. I focused hard at work and tried not obsessing over my deep hate for my body.

Here we go again. It’s really hard when you’ve gotten so far to get up and motivate again. I know that a 40 pound weight gain is not going to be easy to get off. It’s going to suck. It does suck.

I tried taking some sexy pictures for my husband recently and I pulled a muscle in my ass. For real. I had to stretch it out.

Jesus.

I have so much to be thankful for and in so many ways I have a pretty amazing life. I just would like to enjoy it with a little more energy and not want to cry when I look in a full length mirror.

So here’s Day 1. Again. A New Year’s on the horizon and I’m going to be 40 in 2017. My mission is to lose 40 pounds by 40. If I lost 40 pounds I would be smokin’.

One day at a time.

I have nine months to go. 

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Author: jtreska

My name is Julie Treska. I am a 39 year old maniac, mother of 2, step-mother of 2, and wife, to one amazing husband, Micah. I am a sister, a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a neighbor... possibly an enemy, a threat, an ex, but one thing I am known for is being 100% real. This is one more of many blogs I've written in my life. Maybe one that I'll keep. It's going to be one giant cluster fuck, of what makes me, me. I am a divorcee', a parent, a woman, a cancer survivor, a divorce survivor, a survivor of many, many things. I am a cook, a writer, a motivational speaker, a pain in the ass, and an inspiration. I am career driven and successful. I am a one percenter, but run out of money every two weeks. I am funny, I am honest, I am raw, and unapologetic. I hope I am able to relate to many, entertain some, and envy a few. I am a bad ass in most everything I do.

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