Missing my Dad

So the past couple days I’ve really missed my Dad. It has nothing to do with the holidays. When I moved from Tampa, Florida to Chicago, Illinois in my early 20s Christmases with my Dad were never had again, except for twice.

I was a grown-up now and he chose to spend his Christmases with his new wife and family, going on cruises every year to Alaska or doing other things. We would talk on the phone of course, share updates and stories, and he sent me a check for Christmas every year for me and my kids.

I miss the phone calls.

I kept a couple of voicemails and when I’m really brave, I listen to them. The content is fairly meaningless, but his voice brings a knot into my throat every time.

I miss his voice.

Life without my Dad has been a test. It is a test to become the person I was supposed to be all this time, without him. It is a test to see if I can remember all the life lessons and advice he had given me throughout my years with him, and live right. It has been a test if I can finally become the woman he always knew I could be, when no one is watching.

I think I’m almost there.

I wish my Dad could have met my new husband. I wish my Dad could see how wonderful and cool my kids are becoming. So smart, funny, and super intelligent. Unfortunately, my Dad died in the middle of discussing divorce process with a disgusting person, who I have to coparent with forever.

I tried not to have him worry and not give him the details regarding the demise of my marriage or even the contents of what led to my divorce. My Dad was battling leukemia the last two years of his life. The last thing I wanted to do was burden him with my own personal struggles, because of choices I made, against his will.

My Dad did not attend my wedding with my ex-husband, as it was not really a joyous occasion. I married my ex-husband because I was pregnant. I never loved him. I never knew what love was, until now.

Some people know that the day I started talking to my current husband, just happened to be a day I was mourning my father. I was alone, fearful, depressed, lonely, and honestly wishing I was dead. Micah sent a message to me on Plenty of Fish (an online dating site) and asked me “how my day was going?” For some crazy reason, I decided to be honest with him, and tell him I was feeling terrible.

We’ve been together ever since.

Sometimes I think that my Dad sent Micah to me. Sometimes I don’t believe my Dad sent anything to me, because at times I question if there’s really anything after this life anyway.

I have struggled with my faith many times since my Dad died, yet I still pray to God when I need him most.

It’s still there. I’m just hurt.

I am finally where my Dad always wanted me to be in my career. I finally have gained the respect of over 1000 people in my network in the metals industry. I know he’d be proud.

I’ve finally found love, real love, and live in a healthy and honest, loving, relationship. I only do still suffer financially digging out of the hole I dug for myself before and during, my previous marriage and then solely supporting myself after eight years.

I feel great stress coparenting with someone who hates me. Coparenting with someone whom I also, GREATLY dislike. But I did it, I did it without my Dad, I did it without his money, and I did it for my children.

I am starting to build a new relationship with my new in-laws and that feels nice. A little awkward being that I have been in a bunker and in attack mode for so many years. I am letting others and in to love me, and not be my immediate family. I have accepted there are new family members on my side and on my ex-husbands side that have all come together to love my children.

I still feel alone sometimes. My Dad was my guiding light and every year that passes that light becomes farther and further away.

It’s time to go on and live life independently with no advice or comfort from him anymore. Just memories and pictures of him.

I now have my husband who has become more than I ever expected. We have become more than we ever expected, in love. I was lost, but now I’m found and my husband feels the same. We are now eachother’s light.

If there really is a heaven and my Dad is there, if he is looking down on me… I would hope he is feeling a sense of peace in me.

My husband had a dream when we first started dating that my Dad was speaking to him, giving him his approval to be with me, to date me, to be one with me. He had never met my Dad before but described him and his voice entirely. It made me cry, the amazing detail. My husband recalled even noticing the gap between his two front teeth. I wonder if it were him.

I drink too much, sure, that’s no secret… but I am a hard-working, honest, super independent, loving, strong, nurturing, and listening being, and I try my best to teach my children all of the wonderful lessons in life that he taught me.

My Dad left no great check, no free ride, my memories of him are in a small box in my closet. What he did leave me however was completely priceless. He left me a beautiful memory and the most wonderful conscious guide one could ever wish for.

Though I was horribly rebellious most of my life, I now treasure those priceless moments and lessons and will pass them on the best way I can. Though as I mentioned before, coparenting can be counter productive with someone so rude and inconsiderate. It’s a struggle every day. Divorce that is. But I can do this. It gets a tiny bit easier every year.

I’m sorry Dad for being a horrible wild stallion and giving you so much stress in your life. I will forever shed tears of guilt. Just please see me now sharing these moments where I am watching a family movie with my children, who love me so much, and a husband who holds my hand tightly.

I love you and miss you so much. That’s all that I have for tonight.

Xo

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Author: jtreska

My name is Julie Treska. I am a 39 year old maniac, mother of 2, step-mother of 2, and wife, to one amazing husband, Micah. I am a sister, a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a neighbor... possibly an enemy, a threat, an ex, but one thing I am known for is being 100% real. This is one more of many blogs I've written in my life. Maybe one that I'll keep. It's going to be one giant cluster fuck, of what makes me, me. I am a divorcee', a parent, a woman, a cancer survivor, a divorce survivor, a survivor of many, many things. I am a cook, a writer, a motivational speaker, a pain in the ass, and an inspiration. I am career driven and successful. I am a one percenter, but run out of money every two weeks. I am funny, I am honest, I am raw, and unapologetic. I hope I am able to relate to many, entertain some, and envy a few. I am a bad ass in most everything I do.

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