Here’s another zinger! I imagine this will likely be a multipost topic for me because cancer has hit my entire family. It started with my uncle who got breast cancer when I was a kid, then I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer at age 25, then my mother with ovarian, my brother with testicular cancer, my brother again with testicular and a few others, then my Dad with Leukemia, then me again with Thyroid again found in my chest.
My brother had it right when he explained once you have had cancer you turn into somewhat of a hypochondriac. Myself and my thousands of dollars of medical debt can attest to that. Anytime I am sick with anything, I absolutely think it is cancer related. I have so many medical bills from coinsurance of diagnostic testing it is unbelievable.
Today will be another one.
The two times I had cancer I was not scared. I don’t say that to sound like some type of a hero, I’m being honest, I was not scared. Though my cancer was stage III which is fairly serious and means it has metastasized, my specific type of cancer was not one that commonly kills you. I had an unbelievable doctor (actually doctors) that I trusted in emphatically and knew everything was going to be fine. Other than not having a thyroid and battling my weight and fatigue forever, I’m fine.
Well today is one of many days, I will get something or another looked at to make sure it’s not cancer. Today happens to be one of the times I have been scared the most.
My fear has increased over the years because I am a parent. I don’t even know that I enjoy life that much and if I really died tomorrow I would care. I do however, love my children more than anything in this world, and know they love me the same. They need me in their lives for as long as possible and just the thought of having my ex-husband raising them in my absence makes me sick.
Today I really don’t want to have cancer.
As most of you know if you haven’t noticed the biplane and the banner that passes your house on a daily basis, that I am in love. I never knew what that really felt like, until I met my husband. I was either terribly in love with someone who did not love me back, or with someone who terribly loved me and I didn’t love them, or in a half hearted relationship because I didn’t want to be lonely.
Now that I am married to someone who loves me, just as much as I love him, I don’t want to die. If it weren’t for my children and now my husband, I would have preferred bowing out after I lost my Dad. After he died, I wanted to die.
I read all these horrible articles online about people who have lost their battles with cancer. Hell, my brother visits cancer patients every day. I cannot even imagine how many people he has seen die. You hear stories of people who find out their diagnosis and are dead just weeks later. Once you have had cancer, you are just waiting for it to pop up again someday.
There is no cure for cancer. I don’t mean that literally, I’m sure there is a cure for cancer but these pharmaceutical companies don’t want you to know that, and keep fueling their financial fire… I mean there’s no cure as in, once you have cancer they may have removed the obvious masses, you will always have cancer cells in your body. Cancer just hanging out hoping they don’t have a giant meeting again and all get together and kill you. Well that fucking day is today.
I have a lump in my armpit which you have to feel to find. It’s big enough that it scares me and located in a place where I cannot blame it on sweat. I’ve been overweight my entire life. Not fat but overweight. I have in fact had cysts in my armpits before. This is way different. It is not a cyst, and it doesn’t hurt. It’s deep.
I don’t do breast checks like I should. Honestly it’s because my boobs are gigantic. Secondly, it’s just like flossing. I don’t want to do it. I will tell you now though, this shit has got me so fired up I absolutely will start doing breast checks and getting regular mammograms.
So anyway today is the day. I am blogging while I’m getting ready. I can’t wear perfume or deodorant. That is so gross. I’m doing my hair and make up only because getting dressed and made up make me feel a lot better.
My husband is off getting a haircut and then he is going to work. He’s taking a load to Los Angeles and will be back sometime tomorrow. I’m not very excited he is doing this considering I thought he was going to die less than a week ago, but he has a hardheaded man and sometimes you need to just let go.
So today’s another day regardless of my fear that must go on. I need to go get this shit checked out and start my workday. Responsibilities of your job don’t change because you have had a life event. If they do, it is for a very small amount of time. I need to come back home, and jump on the phone and start making some phone calls and see who is buying some aluminum today. I’ll find out what’s going on in just a matter of days.
I, like so many of you, hope it’s nothing. Each and everyone of these little scares, teach me something about my life and makes me feel closer to those that are important to me. We may not have seen each other for a while, but thank you for taking a moment out of your life to support me, or give me encouragement or tell me you said a little prayer. All of those things truly do mean a lot to me and make all of his shit a little less scary.