Anxiety is a nasty motherfucker. I’m writing this as I am going through an episode. I can’t pinpoint when this actually started for me but it is wrecking the fourth quarter of my life.
I did so much crazy shit growing up, maybe it started there. I lived a pretty fearless lifestyle. I’ve mentioned before I’m lucky I didn’t go to jail. I started doing drugs in high school to impress a boy. Actually I wouldn’t say to impress him, but I would say to be around him. Actually two boys. I feel embarrassed just thinking about this.
My drug use was never crippling. It was mostly social, to party, have fun, not something that really interfered with my responsibilities, however when there was no work, or no school, I could have died easily.
I’ve always lived my life in excess. I’m not sure why. I did a lot of drugs, hard drugs, with a lot of people a lot older than me and put myself in a very precarious situations with very shady people. This lasted until my mid 20s. Being diagnosed with Cancer kind of chilled me out a little bit.
I wonder sometimes if my anxiety comes from my drug use as a kid. I wonder if somehow I’ve broken something in my brain. Then I wonder if my anxiety comes from just all of the danger I had put myself in, finally coming to a head.
I grind my teeth all day so bad that my teeth and jaws hurt constantly. I can take selfie’s with a seductive smile, but I’m actually in pain all day, every day.
I have pretty bad insomnia. I have tried pharmaceuticals such an as Ambien. I can absolutely stay awake through an Ambien. It did nothing for me. Besides my normal nightly wine drinking, I really just wear myself down mentally and physically until I pass out every night. I will usually wake up around 4 o’clock in the morning and my mind is racing and I can’t turn it off and then there is the start of my day.
Sometimes I will clean for six solid hours until my back is burning and forces me to sit down and relax. Sometimes I will start organizing and this will go on for hours, closets, drawers, the garage… or I will get into binges where I start throwing shit out everywhere. This is all part of major anxiety disorder.
Living with anxiety absolutely sucks because I know I need medication for it but hate taking it. I hate knowing I have a chemical inside me that is fucking with my brain. I hate knowing I need a benzo- a highly addictive medication, in order to handle my panic attacks. I want to just deal with my life naturally but that turns me in to a disaster.
Anxiety has also turned me into a hypochondriac. I think about dying all the time. I think I am sick all the time. Anything that is wrong with me, I blow it out of proportion. I have so much medical debt from going to the hospital for no reason at all it is unbelievable. Thousands.
I used to go to hot yoga regularly to control my anxiety. It actually was really wonderful until the studio closed. There is not one around that is convenient or local, but there’s one coming in about a month.
I know there are some things I can do in my life and lifestyle to help with this, but I have yet to do it. My depression keeps me from wanting to do anything. So I feel sometimes like I am locked in this body with my brain moving knowing what I need to do, but my emotions holding me back because I don’t want to do them or even leave the house.
My husband is amazing.
I keep thinking this is going to just change one day. Like magic. Today maybe was a bad day, but tomorrow will be better. I’ll have the bits and pieces of tomorrow that might in fact be better, but then I will very likely have some type of episode again that brings me to this place.
This is another reason I started this blog.
People can look like they totally have their shit together. People can look like they have the most perfect relationship. People can look like their life is champagne and roses, friends and trips.
Those are just pictures. This is real. And this is me.